We've all read Readers Digest before, and, as far back as I can remember, they have condensed versions of stories every once and a while. But what if Earthbound was made into a readers digest story? I think it'd go something like this:

The year is 199X Onett, A small town in Eagleland.
Ness' House.

BOOM

Mom: What happened? Check it out.
Pokey: Go away!
Mom: You're back! Have some steak.

*Knock, Knock*

Pokey: Ness! You have to help me! Will you?
Ness: ...
Pokey: Ok! Let's go!
Picky: Thanks for saving me!
Pokey: Whats that sound?
Buzz-Buzz: A bee I am... Not... *drones on for eight hours*
Ness: ...
Starman Jr.: I hate you Buzz-Buzz!
Lardna: AAA! A dung beetle!
Buzz-Buzz: Aug! *drones on for another eight hours*
Ness: ...
Frank: I will kill you!
Frank: Oh, you're too strong for me!
Mayor: You killed frank!
Ness: ...
Captain Strong: You won't beat my guys!
Cops: Aaa! You beat us!
Ness: ...
Captain Strong: Go to twoson!
Paulas Dad: Where's Paula?
Carpainter: I will kill you! Oh no, why is my lightning not working?
Ness: ...
Paula: Thanks for saving me, even though I have PSI powers and I could have knocked down the door myself!
Ness: ...
Runaway 5: Thanks for saving us!
Zombie Lady: I will get you!
Paula: Jeff, help us!

Winters, a small country to the north.

Jeff: I'm going to go save people that I don't even know!
Tony: I love you, Jeff.
Sign: Come in my dungeon! -- Dungeon Man
Dungeon Man: Wow, you made it!
Dr. Andonuts: It's my estranged son!
Paula: Thanks for saving us!
Mole: I am the third strongest.
Guy: Weeelcooome to Moooonsiiiideee.
Monotoli: I'll give you paula!
Poo: I am going to save my friends from... stuff.
Mu Training Guy: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU AND YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO COMPLY!
Poo: Hi, Ness!
Ness: ...
Tenda: We're shy.
Ness: ...
Bunny: Hi, welcome to magicant!
Ness' Nightmare: I WILL KILL YOU!
Ness: ...
Dr. Andonuts: Go back in time!
Mr. Saturn: BOING
Pokey: I HATE YOU NESS
Giygas: NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS NESS !!!

THE END