• SimonBob answers from the comfort of his home on reading week. Wooooooo.
• Mike T. Guru kills everybody! Err no, that was actually our writers. Nevermind, all clear.
• Free surf wax for our first 100 customers!

(Before you submit, please read the rules.)

The topic for this week is:

Gotta Catch A Bunch - Dr. Andonuts just handed you a "magic index" that catalogues the enemies in EB, as well as a wacky suitcase that lets you catch exceptional baddies and train them as your personal assistants. Who would you pick up to add to the team? Better yet, which enemies would you want to pit against each other? It's Friend Vs. Friend Vs. Other Friends in Giygas's camp this week!

Also, remember that you don't have to write just on this topic. You can send me a letter about anything that sparks your interest.

You don't have to write in on this topic if you don't want to. You can pick a topic and write about it, or, if you have anything else on your mind about EarthBound or Starmen.Net, please, send that in too! Everyone is encouraged to write in about whatever they're thinking about. Mailbag letters do not have to be long. They can be whatever length you want them to be, anywhere between one sentence and 1,300 pages. Please do not copy and paste the entire text of "Crime and Punishment" and send that to me. Although I've read it already and enjoyed it, my email account would be quite sad.

Use this form to send in a mailbag letter:

The topic for last week's mailbag was:

Killed Off - Okay, kids. We all know Buzz Buzz being killed off was an mondo part of the plot. His passing alone is the base of plenty of EarthBound theories about him(?), and for a brief moment, the fate of the chosen four is even put into question after defeating Giygas. So, what I'd like to know is, who would you have liked to have seen killed off in EarthBound? Would you have like to have seen Paula go all Aeris on us, losing an important member of the chosen four in the process? Would you have like to have seen the camera dude get disemboweled by a zombie? Or how about giving Pokey one last beating? Be it the main character or a mere NPC, who do you wish met their fate in EarthBound?

- Fred Random

Thanks, Fred! For those of you who don't know, Fred Random is a silent partner who usually doesn't hang out around these parts. And Silver Tyrano is a 26-year-old from Nunavut.

--- SimonBob

So that's what Fred Random is doing at 3 A.M. It's time we deem another case closed, gang.

-Radiation

So indecisive! But you forget that sometimes Shrooom! (only one exclamation point) can Mashroomize you, causing you to use your PSI on yourself. And he has more HP than SMDX. Bet you didn't know that!

Your assertion that jumping fences and shooting goats is incorrect. Pulling the trigger on a pop gun takes less strength than scaling a wrought-iron gate. Have you ever been to a boarding school? Some of those places have gates that are three times the height of a normal man, capable of striking fear in even the most confident kangaroo! Stupid kangaroos.

--- SimonBob

Solid entry and one of the most comprehensive of the week! Shrooom!, for the most part, is a downright pushover if you are at a decent level, fairly healthy, and willing to unload a Jefftastic treat on it. And as a follow up, sure we no longer have a points system for entries here at Mailbag, but you earned a few brownie points by wanting "farmer T" in your party after Stonehenge.

"NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?" Mr. Fork would say.

"Shut yer yap," Pokey says, "It's time for you to sleep with the Egyptains."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SAVE MEEEEEEE, NESSSSSS!" as MR. Fork is dragged away.

Then Mr. Spoon would call looking for Mr. Fork, and the usual story will continue. But when you get in the pyramid, you'll see the mummys entombing Mr. Fork in the carcophaguis that you'll move later.

Interesting chain of events isn't it?

(sorry if I mispelled some things)

- piktom

You do too see him! He's the guy in the orange shirt and the nerdy glasses at the Scaraban Cultural Museum. He says something to the effect of Mr. Spoon always trying to call him about a "discovery," which turns out to the manhole, remember? Nevertheless, your chain of events would have been a nice touch, although I think it would be cooler to see the Guardian General dragging him off.

Also, you misspelled "Pikmin." ;D

--- SimonBob

At least it wasn't PickMEN, huh kids? Huh? Anywhalattydotty, I've never seen anyone quite as fascinated by Mr. Spoon and Mr. Fork as you. Me, I've always been wrapped up in that rock onstage at the Stoic Club, and boy let me tell you, many a fanfic are in the planning stages because of that rock. To each his own.

Or, I suppose we could have the picture guy killed off. I'm sure Ness is epilectic. That's not the peace sign, it's Ness trying to block his eyes...

For the sadistic amongst us (me), we could have Jeff killed off. Then Paula and Ness would be stuck in that stupid hole forever, and Poo would never get to play :(

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I like beans.

Mmm!

I say, kill off everyone, we need more beans.

- Nudger

And bacon. Bean-with-bacon. Megarocket?

Under your described scenario, there wouldn't be any zombies in Threed, because Belch would be dead and thus not controlling them, and Giygas would be dead so nobody else would be controlled either, and... well, frankly, Ness would wake up to the meteorite and find everyone dead. And then Buzz Buzz wouldn't come out of the meteor cuz he's dead.

Someone once told me that they liked to kill off Ness and just walk around with Jeff and Paula, because Jeff never really gets a chance with Paula otherwise, yknow? Ladies, you should always give nerds a chance; you never know when they'll cure cancer and become rich and famous.

--- SimonBob

Whenever I see your name, I think Ted Nugent, but the Motor City Madman is no match for you, kind sir. Okay, maybe you'd rather not see that offensive powerhouse go on, but your idea would bring up some wickedly wild plot changes. Namely, Captain Strong teaming up with Poo and Venus to dig up Ness; only to find him turned cannibal and chewing on Paula's kneecap. Think about that, you mad bean machine, you.

- Pineapples

Sometimes I feel the same way about reidman.

--- SimonBob

Dude, considering I had swiped my fair share of Fresh eggs and beat up an innocent local guy in the process, that lady's rhetoric and ever-aggressive pleas for cash made me feel guilty.

I would really wanna see pokey killed off because its cooler to fight zombies than it is to fight fat kids.

P.S: I didnt have much to write about.

P.P.S: Boston fans are really mad.

- Steve-o

Could someone do me a favour and write in about hockey sometime? I hate being left out of the sports conversations all the time.

--- SimonBob

But if Pokey were a zombie...Hoo rah.

By the way, who was Aeris, and what happened with her?

- PSI Stuff

Aha! That'd be telling. Suffice to say, you need to play Final Fantasy VII sometime. It's a swell game. (There are spoilers in Mike's reply if you don't like my "you should actually play games instead of hearing about them secondhand" attitude.)

I would've cried at the end of EB if you killed them all, though. :~( Plus, that would miss the entire point of the whole game, which is that hope, friendship, and positive thinking will get you through even the toughest times.

--- SimonBob

I hate the bulk of Final Fantasy games, and never played this one, but in Final Fantasy VII, a playable character named Aeris is killed off, and it's one of the more memorable moments of the game.

But back to EarthBound. That would've been one wild finale and would've certainly made the game do a complete 180 in terms of turning serious.

hmmmmmmm...

Pokey?Nah.

Paula?Nah

King?Nah

Lardna! Thats it! (Why?) Lardna/Pokey's mams killed one of the most important characters ever! Buzz-Buzz! If it wasn't for that big fat warlus we'll be having that fly help us kick giygas's bootey.

Thats my reason and now enraged about fat people...

- Zock Q. Endland

She thought it was a dung beetle, though. It's Buzzy's fault for getting too close to her in the first place. Stupid bug should've known better.

--- SimonBob

You sir, are a delight, and darn it, it would've given the whole Ness-Pokey rivalry more flair.

- Mulletman

Yeah! In fact, it could turn out that he's been dead since before the beginning of the game, and that the phone in Ness's house actually contains his disembodied hand! Then at the end of the game when you hear the knocking, it's the rest of his corpse (which everyone thought was lost at sea) come back to collect its missing appendage and its soul! "Hi Ness, I told you I'd be here for your birthday!" That's so much better than W&P's comics on the subject.

--- SimonBob

Lost at sea! So technically, Ness is a pirate at heart! Darn you, Pirates of the Caribbean.

But, back on topic. People I would have liked to have been killed off... first off, take out the Tenda Tribe Chief in Deep Darkness. As a matter of fact, just kill all the Tendas. They wern't much of a plot point anyway.

Secondly, kill Brick Roads. I don't know why, I just don't like him. He seems to make the game unnecessarily difficult.

Lastly, I will never consider the Earthbound series complete until I've been able to rip Pokey to shreds and post his head on top of a tower of the London Bridge (yes, I do pay attention in history class).

...all in all, I think this e-mail turned out much better than the first one. Sometimes life works like that, you know?

- Apple Kid

1. Tendas are awesome.
2. Brick Road is awesome.
3. One for three! I'm impressed.

In conclusion, editing really is awesome, eh? Everyone should edit more often.

--- SimonBob

But is that really what EarthBound should be all about? Me, I see a day when EarthBound gets a sequel. A day where after trouncing Pokey one last time, Ness and his portly neighbor go out for a nice cola; later to star as roomies in their own sitcom.

- Kent Bogar

Who would replace Paula, though? And how would you beat Giygas? I think Everdred is the official Aeris of EB anyway.

--- SimonBob

Serious or not, we all believe in a thing called love. And without such, 'ole Mikey's got the feeling Ness would've asked out that female Tenda we all thought was a male.

- nessman

That actually happened once in an English comic I read that I shouldn't link to because it has naughty content. It was Guy Fawkes day, so the space captain from the future used an orbital lance to wipe out the cop station that they'd imprisoned him in years before. Hey, that sounds pretty cool out of context...

--- SimonBob

So I had a dream when I was a kid Onett had a baseball field because I was a weird kid. So stuffs under attack, and Ness (who's in some bunker) presses a button, and a rocket flies out of the pitcher's mound. Either I was really dreaming about Roger Clemens at the time, or I'm just silly.

Let me delve into that a little more with my in-game experience... I'd just set Paula free, and when I left the house... I was surprised! I said to myself... "Isn't that the fat kid who got punished?!"

After taking care of his cronies, and taking care of Carpainter, I met the little stinker again. I told Ness "Shoot him! Just shoot him!" Of course, no one ever listens to me.

When I saw Pokey in Monotoli's building... I knew I was in for a long haul... It's needless to say after Pokey stole my Helicopter that I really wanted him to get shot.

Stepping in Pokey poo in Scaraba didn't help either.

So finally, after my long venting and ranting, my decision would be to have Pokey knocked off whether it was through poisoned Trout Yogurt, another meteor, a snake bite, or even if he were shot.

Depending on if Pokey plays any roll in Mother 3 (EarthBound 2) this need to shoot him may increase. Damn that little stinker! Damn him to.... a damn place!

--- KyoZaber

I tried to chase Pokey down in HHV with a Skip Sandwich once, and he was still faster than me! Maybe he was secretly on the Atkins diet.

--- SimonBob

But without him, Ness would be just some underachieving slacker that does Mailbag at some fan site.

Not on this week. Which is kind of a good thing, eh? If this continues, then I'll throw the box out, and good riddance to it too.

So, most of you would've killed Pokey, eh? Fine by me, I never liked him either. I'm sure we'll get a chance to finally whup him when Mother 3 comes out, though. Don't kill your teacher, though! I sure got in a lot of trouble that weekend.

EB Line of the Moment: "No, we don't want any mummy bandages! No soliciting allowed please!"

And a mere week after Valentine's Day, we've got folks speaking of killing love interests, mention of weapons of mass destruction, and the slaughter of no fewer than two neighbors. I can't wait until Saint Patrick's Day.

Falc, SimonBob, and Mike's Archive:

July 15, 2003: Mother 1+2 US Release, EB Merchandise, Fanfics
July 20, 2003: M 1+2 Import, Sanctuary Locations, Trivia League
July 28, 2003: EBFGPS, Sword of Kings, Time Capsule feat. pre-staff SimonBob
August 9, 2003: Starmen.Net Forums feat. Grandpa
August 17, 2003: Mailbag Improvement Week feat. PappyCat
September 16, 2003: Fun Stuff Suggestions feat. Sephy
October 7, 2003: Petition Mention feat. Skulryk
October 20, 2003: EarthBound the Movie
October 28, 2003: Free Topic Week feat. Giovanni
November 6, 2003: Halloween Funfest 2003 feat. Jim
November 9, 2003: Starmen.net Radio feat. Picky
November 15, 2003: Alternate EarthBound Sites feat. DarthAndonuts
November 22, 2003: #earthbound feat. Carpainter
November 29, 2003: Staff Improvement feat. AoE
December 14, 2003: Forum Improvement feat. Atticus
December 17, 2003: Holiday Funfest
January 2, 2004: EB No Matsuri
January 10, 2004: Starmen.net Site Development
January 19, 2004: EarthBound in 2004
January 24, 2004: EarthBound Quotes
January 31, 2004: Mother 1 Soundtrack Re-release
February 8, 2004: EarthBound Over Easy
February 15, 2004: Change of Pace
February 22, 2004: Favourite Foodstuffs feat. Steve-o
February 29, 2004: Killed Off
March 21, 2004: Catch A Bunch
March 27, 2004: Then and Now feat. Steve-o
April 5, 2004: Winter Funfest Results feat. Carpainter
April 12, 2004: Something Springy feat. Jamie_M
April 20, 2004: 1+2=what now? feat. Dash
May 1, 2004: New Forums
June 1, 2004: The Site That Gives Back
June 29, 2004: Wacky Genetic Experiments
July 18, 2004: E3 Speculations
August 11, 2004: Summer Funfest feat. Tomato & AmzRigh
September 23, 2004: EBFGPS04
October 23, 2004: Vacation Special
October 30, 2004: Soundtrack Songs
November 6, 2004: Site Fundraiser
November 14, 2004: Halloween
November 28, 2004: EarthBound Influence
December 11, 2004: Scientific Errors
January 17, 2005: Space Time Conundrum
January 28, 2005: Is Mother 3 Coming?

TAFKACC's Archive:

May 25, 2003: Starmen.Net's Future, EB Date, Ness's Nightmare
June 1, 2003: Mailbag Length, Online Walkthru, EB Theory Special
June 8, 2003: EB Characters in Mother 3, Flukes, Mailbag Critique
June 28, 2003: Articles Debate, Pokey's Past, Topic Suggestions
July 6, 2003: Xod Tribute, PK Call'n, EB Trivia

GuyInSummers and StarmanDeluxe's Archive:

Here is the Hall of Fame, which contains the best letters from each week.